


You're Wrong Until You're Right

by nerdyskeleton



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: F/M, I wish I was sorry for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 13:10:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5745082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyskeleton/pseuds/nerdyskeleton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sapphire Safe is so so wrong until she is unsurprisingly so so right about two Sanctuary Detectives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Wrong Until You're Right

**Author's Note:**

> lmao I named this document "I can't control myself"
> 
> In a fit of violent nostalgia, I decided to reread/finish the series, because I stopped halfway through Kingdom of the Wicked (oops). I spent winter break SOBBING over these two and decided to get back into writing.
> 
> Something asked me to update my huge oneshot compilation on ff.net, and I did as they commanded. I figured I could throw this trash up here, too. This is the absolute goofiest and silliest and most unnecessary thing I've ever written, but you know what? I AM NOT SORRY ABOUT IT.
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes, because I always miss a few. And thanks for reading!

Sapphire Safe was pretty average. She had pretty average length hair, and was of average height and weight. Her eyes were blue, though, and she prided herself on that, even though she didn't really need too. She was an Elemental, and she was young. Fresh from the nest, her older siblings liked to claim! Here she was, newly recruited by the Sanctuary. The magical organization decided to attempt a tried and true, yet clichéd, system. Old agents got paired with new agents. Sapphire's parents laughed when she told them. They had been Sanctuary agents who had fended for themselves; they didn't have no mentors! She hoped she could prove she was worthy, even if she had someone helping her along the way.

Sapphire was paired with someone named Heinrich Blasphemer. He was about as Irish as Irish could be, she found out when she met him; not a drop of German blood in him. She thought the named sounded cool, secretly. He definitely thought the named sounded cool. Heinrich was deliberate and slow to act. He didn't treat Sapphire too badly, but she often felt like an idiot when they spoke anyway. They were both Elementals, and he taught her a few tricks she had always wanted to learn but never got around to. She was a little clumsy with their first few cases, so she made some pretty glaring mistakes. Heinrich was pretty patient with her, which she was quite pleased about. He made it clear she had messed it entirely up and had her figure out a way to solve it, and for that, she was grateful.

When they got their next case assignment, Heinrich was furious.

"How dare you pair us with those two?" he screamed at the poor agent. He pointed one of his boney fingers at two people standing on the other side of room. It was a tall man and a tall woman. She grinned widely and waved at them, fully aware they were being talked about. She whispered something into the man's ear. He waved at them, too. Sapphire waved back. The man was a skeleton. Of course he was.

"Please, Mr. Blasphemer," the poor agent said, "it's just for this one. Together you'll solve it quickly. We put our best teams on this one."

The flattery got to Heinrich, and he settled down. Sapphire was relieved. If he started out angry, the case would only continue with him angry, and she wouldn't learn anything.

When the poor agent left them, Heinrich grunted, "I can't stand them."

"Who are they?"

"Detectives Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain. They're together."

Sapphire froze. Together? She voiced her thoughts and asked what he meant.

Heinrich responded, "Well, they're partners."

"Like us?"

He shook his head violently. "Sapphire, I like you, but not like that. They're something else altogether."

Sapphire nodded, growing fairly horrified at what this meant. "I've heard of them. Never about that, though…"

"Of course you have heard of them," Heinrich said. "They're the famous wise-cracking, pain in my ass duo."

"They probably don't call themselves that."

"They're well aware of their wise cracks, Safe."

Detectives Pleasant and Cain slowly made their way over to the two.

"Guten Tag, Herr Heinrich," the woman said, over-emphasizing the ch of his name. "Wie geht es dir?"

"Vaklyrie," the man said, "stop pretending you know other languages." He looked at Heinrich and said, "Guten Morgen."

Heinrich seemed to fume. He introduced Sapphire Safe to Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant. She shook their hands, feeling the hard bones underneath Skulduggery's leather gloves. She had heard the legends of the Skeleton Detective and now here she was in his presence. Hopefully she wasn't showing her awe too badly. The four briefly discussed how to go about getting the job done: a crazed woman, Philomena Flute, had been kidnapping children who had not developed magic yet. No one was dead, yet. The team had to act fast to ensure it remained that way. Someone called away both Skulduggery and Heinrich. Valkyrie turned to Sapphire. She practically dwarfed her.

"How do you like working for the Sanctuary?" Valkyrie asked.

Sapphire shrugged, attempting to focus on her question and not on the fact that Valkyrie and Skulduggery…?

"Between you and me," Valkyrie continued, "I am not the biggest fan. It's all so bureaucratic and rigid. I'd rather Skulduggery and I could go off and do whatever we want to get the job done. And just whatever we want, because I'm also not a fan of doing work."

Sapphire twitched. Was everyone…okay with this? He was a skeleton after all. And she, uh, wasn't. So, like, how did that happen? And wasn't he infinitely older than her? By about 400 years? Sapphire supposed age doesn't matter if you're really in love. Or having lips, for that matter. Maybe it wasn't so much as a physical relationship as Sapphire was initially thinking. She guessed there wasn't anything terribly wrong with it, but it freaked her out, to be quite honest.

Valkyrie grew uncomfortable when Sapphire kept staring at her. "Well…this has been nice, Sapphire. I'm excited to work with you and Herr Heinrich." It sounded like a lie, and Sapphire noticed she looked especially bored. She looked up as Skulduggery and Heinrich returned.

"We'll go interrogate the last few families," Skulduggery said. "I don't care what you do. Sapphire, it was nice to meet you."

"We'll meet up later!" Valkyrie shouted over her shoulder as they walked off. Sapphire watched them as they walked away. Their bodies were close, and Valkyrie reached to whisper something in his ear again, bumping into him a little. Neither really noticed nor minded, at least. Sapphire shook her head, ridding herself of weird skeletal thoughts, and followed Heinrich out the door to work on their case.

####

"Sapphire," Heinrich said, "I'll be off doing something else today. You can go with Detectives Cain and Pleasant and learn what not to do on a case."

Valkyrie forced laughter. "Ja, ja, very funny, Herr Heinrich." His face grew red and he stormed off. Valkyrie smiled and turned to Sapphire. "Sorry, Sapphire," she said. "I hope our teasing doesn't put him in a sour mood for you."

"No, he's actually pretty great."

Valkyrie snorted, and Skulduggery commented that it was very attractive. Sapphire swallowed. She wanted to ask so badly about their relationship, but it's not like they were friends. She couldn't just barge in and demand to know everything about them and what they got up to because she was curious how it all worked.

Sapphire explained how Heinrich was a good mentor but not a great friend. Valkyrie understood this and mentioned Skulduggery was both to her. They were walking to his enormous black car. Skulduggery held the door open for Valkyrie. Sapphire got in the back, not even asking.

"What is this?" she asked him.

He shrugged. "I thought I could be nice."

"For once in your life, I see."

He probably would have scowled at her if he had a face. Sapphire had seen the little tattoos on his collarbones and figured they were the work of China Sorrows. He instead closed the door and locked the doors. He went to his side and unlocked only his door. The skeleton started the engine and rolled down the window for Valkyrie.

"Is this better?" he asked her.

Since she did have a face, she did scowl. She reached to unlock the car from the inside and slammed the door shut. Skulduggery sped off. Sapphire felt fairly unsafe as he took turns at breakneck speeds, but Valkyrie didn't seem to mind. She was probably used to it, at this point. They drove in silence for a while, the only sound being the engine of his huge black car.

Valkyrie broke the silence and said, "If you could be any animal, Sapphire, what would it be?" Skulduggery snorted at her question, and she slapped him on the shoulder. Sapphire watched the exchange from the back. When she didn't answer after a few seconds, Valkyrie turned in her seat and faced her. "I would be a tortoise," she continued.

"You're slow like one," Skulduggery said. She slapped him on the shoulder again. He recoiled against her touch, and Sapphire was briefly worried she would cause him to run the car off the road, but he kept them straight on course.

Sapphire took a moment to consider before responding that she would be a dolphin. Valkyrie nodded and asked why.

"They're one of the smartest creatures on the planet," Sapphire answered. "Plus, I think they're cute and deadly. One of my life's aspirations, really."

Valkyrie nodded again, saying, "I agree. Nothing better than cute and deadly. Right, Skulduggery?"

He grunted but made no other response. Maybe he was uncomfortable with such a confession in front of her, Sapphire thought. He seemed very private and not very conversational. Valkyrie had done most of their talking between them all. When she pulled herself from her thoughts, Sapphire noticed she was super wrong. Skulduggery was chatting away about something Valkyrie had brought up. They were both listening to that velvety voice as he went on and on. Sapphire wasn't sure what he was talking about, but Valkyrie seemed really interested. Good she listened to his interests! Always a good trait in a couple, Sapphire continued to think. One of her exes never listened to her when she told them about her interests. Definitely a contributing factor to their "ex" status.

She was pulled from her thoughts when she heard their angry whispering. It looked like Valkyrie was hitting him again, but this time, he slapped her right back on the arm. She feigned agony and pain and winked at Sapphire, who smiled.

"You wound me so thoroughly, Skulduggery."

"You've slapped me at least three times already," he responded, a smile in his voice.

"Yes, but you still love me."

There was silence, and Sapphire stared at the skeleton, awaiting his answer. After a few moments, she wasn't sure there would be an answer. Valkyrie didn't seem to mind, as she had turned back to look out the window, watching the trees and buildings pass by. Maybe they had only just started dating and hadn't said those magic words. Maybe he didn't want to say it back with her in the car. Maybe they had a deeper relationship where it was always implied but never stated. Maybe Sapphire was overthinking this, and they were just a couple, excluding the fact that one half of it was a skeleton.

The drive continued on in almost near silence, until Valkyrie turned around again to face Sapphire. She asked about her family, having heard from Heinrich her other siblings and parents were Sanctuary agents as well. Sapphire explained her ridiculously large family, with her five siblings and two ancient parents. Valkyrie mentioned she had a younger sister, but she did not elaborate. Skulduggery did not join the conversation. In fact, he interrupted their talking as he slowed down, to pull into a hidden driveway. He stopped the car abruptly, and they all got out.

"This is the last place Philomena was seen," Sapphire explained. "Heinrich thinks she would have moved on by now. But she seems to take a few kids from the general area, and there has only been one reported kid missing, so I think she's still here. Or at least very close."

Skulduggery nodded and said he agreed. Sapphire felt far more intelligent and respectable in this moment than she ever had in her entire life. They trudged through some thick shrubs and trees. Valkyrie's coat must have been made by Elder Bespoke, because it didn't tear no matter how many times she got it caught on the briars. A thorn did get tangled in her dark hair at one point, and without her asking, Skulduggery stepped up to resolve the issue. He delicately worked her hair off and away from the sharp point, ignoring her commands to just rip it off. When she was no longer trapped by the sharp fiend, he let her hairs slip through his long fingers and he placed his hand on the small of her back and pushed her forward a little. Sapphire noticed he didn't remove his hand after a few moments, until Valkyrie picked up her pace at the sound of a scream.

Sapphire reacted quickly. She sprinted forward, shooting past the partners, fire in her hands. There was movement up ahead, so she stopped noisily running and ducked behind a tree. Quiet footsteps stopped behind her. Coldness also crept up her spine, spreading across her body, and she suddenly knew how powerful Necromancy really was. Valkyrie slinked past and flexed her fists. Skulduggery had pulled out his gun and had the safety unlocked but kept his fingers off the trigger.

The scream pierced the silence again, and the three emerged from behind trees to see a crumbling little log cabin. The windows were shattered and surrounded by rotting, decaying wood. Something broke from within the house. Skulduggery darted through the clearing between the trees and the house and peered quickly into the window. Without signaling to the other two, he kicked the door open and fired a shot. Valkyrie groaned and rolled her eyes and charged for the door as well. Sapphire wasn't far behind.

Another shot rang out and it hurt Sapphire's ears. A raggedy little woman screamed, which also hurt Sapphire's ears; maybe a little more than the gunshot. A bullet caught her in the shoulder, and Philomena Flute went flying back against the wall. Valkyrie approached her and was fishing out some handcuffs from her back pocket when Philomena jumped back up with surprising agility for a woman her age. No one had any time to react before the old woman reached into her tattered robes and produced a rusty little dagger. Valkyrie further didn't have time to react before the crazed woman thrust the dagger deep into her torso. Skulduggery swore and tried to aim at Philomena, but a bleeding Valkyrie was thoroughly in the way.

Sapphire hurled a fire ball at the woman as she dragged Valkyrie away. She had a hand pressed to her wound and was still trying to form the expression of pain but shock had taken over. She stumbled up against Sapphire, and she finally saw all the blood. It poured from her wound and soaked her jacket and trousers. Grunting against the pain, Valkyrie tried to apply the needed pressure to her stab wound, but she didn't have the strength for it. Skulduggery, with a clear shot, took it, and took down Philomena immediately. He threw the handcuffs at Sapphire, wordlessly and urgently demanding they switch places.

She let Valkyrie stumble into his thin arms and ran to subdue Philomena. He caught Valkyrie and gathered her limp hands up to press them against the wound. She grunted in pain but he whispered something to her, and she nodded frantically. Sapphire had pulled out her phone and immediately called Heinrich and explained as quickly as possible what was happening. He hung up after saying he'd be there quickly with backup.

Sapphire stood there not doing a whole lot. She couldn't think of anything to do. She certainly couldn't focus on how much blood was on the floor and not in Valkyrie. Sapphire wasn't a medical expert so she couldn't tell if Philomena had pierced any vital organs. Skulduggery asked her to help him stand Valkyrie up.

"Should we go get her help?" Sapphire asked.

"And have her bleed all over my car?" he asked her incredulously. "She has stained the Bentley too many times. Just last week she spilled her tea all over my seat. I found a French fry on the floor, Sapphire. It was three weeks old."

Sapphire frowned. "Isn't she, uh, dying?"

"Valkyrie is very resilient." The resilient girl in question coughed and groaned as Skulduggery wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kept her hand pressed to her wound. "If you would button up your jacket, Valkyrie," he continued in a tone like he was scolding a small child who was caught with their hand in the cookie jar, "we wouldn't be in this situation. Further, if you would do your laundry like an adult, your protective shirt would be clean."

She tried to groan out something, but he silenced her. She looked at Sapphire and motioned weakly for her to come closer. Sapphire did and leaned in close to Valkyrie, who whispered, "Tell him to shut up."

Sapphire laughed and relayed the message. Skulduggery seemed very offended at this, but when Valkyrie groaned and coughed and her head lolled back a little, he dropped the act and let her lean heavily against him. They helped Valkyrie to a chair, who happily sat. There was banging and rustling from somewhere in the corner of the cabin. Sapphire went to investigate the noise; she came a hidden door in the floor and heaved it open. Little voices called out to her, and she knew she had found the kidnapped children. One by one she helped him up and assessed their injuries. Most of them were unharmed but scared nonetheless.

A few minutes later, Sapphire heard cars pulling up to the little cabin. The door burst open and Cleavers poured in. One went over to Valkyrie and Skulduggery, and they bent down to examine her wound. The Cleaver produced some gauze and ointment and handed them to Skulduggery. Sapphire explained to Heinrich in more detail what had gone down, and he commended her. He went to go deal with the kidnapped children. Sapphire caught sight of Valkyrie and Skulduggery.

He was bent down on one knee and holding up the gauze dramatically at her. Her smile was tired but genuine, and it reached her eyes. She lifted her shirt for him, and he delicately tended to her injury. Sapphire heard him whisper apologies when she winced in pain. He applied the bandage and helped her stand. As they shuffled out, Valkyrie winked at Sapphire. She watched them leave and get in his enormous car and drive off.

####

It was a few days later, and Sapphire was once again experiencing the joys of paperwork. The children had all been returned to their homes, and Philomena began serving her sentence. Approximately six thousand different forms needed to be filled out for these two simple facts, and Heinrich insisted she do the majority of it in order to "gain the experience". Sapphire was pretty sure he just didn't want to do it himself.

She had just completed one large stack of papers and was heading to the proper place to be rid of them. She'd already received a few too many paper cuts from the forms and vowed she would suffer no more. Sapphire rounded the corner and stopped in her tracks, stunned.

Right in front of her was Skulduggery and Valkyrie. Nothing weird in that fact, of course, but he had a gloved hand cupping her cheek. They were standing a centimeter apart. He was wearing a face and kept the day's dark eyes on her own. He whispered something to her that Sapphire didn't quite catch, and Valkyrie looked away. His hand moved to grip her chin to lock their eyes again. Valkyrie smiled and reached to plant a soft kiss on his lips. One of Sapphire's many completed forms escaped her grasp and rustled to the ground. It made just enough noise that the two detectives heard it. Valkyrie practically shot away from Skulduggery's grasp as she pinned herself to the wall. To his credit, he managed to remain fairly calm.

When Valkyrie recognized it was only Sapphire, she gave a sigh of relief and greeted her. "What brings you down here?" Sapphire saw a blush creep up her neck, and Skulduggery had removed his face immediately after being caught, aiming to keep himself expressionless.

"I was just going to get rid of these forms I filled out for the case."

Valkyrie scoffed. "We never do those. I don't think I've even seen one in all my years here. Have you, Skulduggery?"

He shook his head. "Ghastly once asked me to do one and I laughed in his face," the skeleton responded.

They were silent for another few seconds before Sapphire asked, "How's that gaping hole in your stomach?"

Valkyrie casually lifted her shirt a little to show the bandage. "Practically gone! Skulduggery thinks I should keep it wrapped, but I know there's nothing to worry about anymore. What with his expert medical care."

The three were silent again. Sapphire looked between the two partners, who seemed to be doing everything but looking at each other. Finally, Sapphire wasn't being the awkward one. "It's been great working with you," she said, gathering her papers up. "Hopefully we can work together again soon. Not that I hope there's some terrible mean person out there, but I enjoyed this. I think Heinrich did, too, but only by a little bit, and don't tell him I said that." She walked between the two partners, and when she turned the corner and glanced back at them, they had resumed their position, and Skulduggery was once again wearing a face. Sapphire smiled, happy for them both.

####

Sapphire discovered that news traveled fast in the Sanctuary. She had woken up to three texts from friends asking if she'd heard the news. Panicking and thinking of the absolute worst that could have happened, she dressed immediately and sped to the Sanctuary. She barged into the doors and found a friend and asked what had happened.

"They're together," her friend said. "Together-together."

"Who?"

"Detectives Pleasant and Cain!"

Sapphire blinked. "Yeah, I knew that. I thought everyone did."

"It was news to me!" her friend shouted. "They were seen a little too close in China's library for it to be professional. Someone apparently point blank asked about it, and Detective Cain didn't deny it!" Sapphire's friend paused and asked, "Did they tell you specifically?"

"No," Sapphire said, "but Heinrich told me they were together a few weeks ago."

"He meant as professional partners, Sapphire."

"Oh."

"Didn't you notice they weren't actually together?"

"Not really."

Her friend stared at her. Sapphire shrugged. She really hadn't noticed. Their relationship was obviously so deep and intimate, she hadn't even noticed the difference. Sapphire wondered what had caused the sudden shift. She guessed it was all the bloody touching while Skulduggery bandaged her a few weeks ago. Maybe Valkyrie's vaguely near death experience caused her to realize her true feelings of the skeleton. Or something equally as clichéd. Sapphire caught up with Heinrich a few moments later, who was muttering about "youngins today".

Little pockets of sorcerers were scattered around the room, all gossiping about the news. Sapphire frowned, annoyed they were all talking about something that was obviously none of their business. Their nasty little whispers died down when the two people in question strolled in. Valkyrie Cain was first, with Skulduggery immediately following. They marched right up to someone and immediately launched into conversation. The nasty whispers started again. Sapphire could tell they knew they were being talked about. And in a ridiculous fit of hilarity and defiance, Valkyrie grabbed one of Skulduggery's leather gloved hands and kissed him on his chalk white jaw. His skull swiveled to stare at her slowly, but she just smiled a cheeky little grin. The sorcerer they were speaking with seemed mighty uncomfortable, so they excused themselves.

Valkyrie caught Sapphire's eye and winked. She was still clutching Skulduggery's hand as she dragged him away. The skeleton tilted his head to the right, and Sapphire thought he might have been smiling.


End file.
